


changes

by buttstrife



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drabble, First Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 08:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14870552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttstrife/pseuds/buttstrife
Summary: When Jeno thinks of Jaemin, he thinks of white.





	changes

**Author's Note:**

> jeno and jaemin are each other's first loves. convince me otherwise (you can't).

When Jeno thinks of Jaemin, he thinks of white.

 

/

 

How often Jeno thinks of Jaemin is immeasurable, uncountable, infinite.

There are the visceral spaces between their _hello_ s and _goodbye_ s, coloured with the soft immutable familiarity of a friendship bleeding into the indiscernible edges of a first love. There are the impersonal walls of the doctor’s clinic, the hospital’s wards, the physiotherapist’s room that Jeno tries not to associate with someone as close, as personal as Jaemin. There are the blood, sweat, and tears, from the injuries, the hard work, and failures that have made him question his path, the road that brought him to Jaemin but might inevitably lead him away.

Jeno thinks of Jaemin, even when he doesn’t want to.

 

/

 

Where Jaemin might brush off a harsh comment with a shrug and a smile, Jeno often finds himself dwelling in his own insecurities, wondering why he cannot be more like Jaemin, more like the first snow that can never be tainted.

“The feeling is mutual,” Jaemin tells him in their dormitory – tells him that he admires Jeno’s eclectic empathy, his electric emotions. “You make me strive to be a stronger and better person.”

And Jaemin transforms then, from something evanescent like icy water flowing through the gaps between his fingers into the tangible connection of Jaemin’s palm touching his, their fingers intertwining like their reality of growing up together.

Holding his hand, Jeno struggles to pull away, the intimacy they have both frightening and delighting him.

 

/

 

Who Jeno reaches out to when Jaemin is away is the simple recognition of the supportive people surrounding him. The brother-like bonds with Donghyuk and Renjun, being doted on like a son by hyungs like Doyoung, and likewise cherishing dongsaengs like Jisung have Jeno less disquieted by the ghost of Jaemin’s warmth. In those moments with others, Jeno realises the opacity behind Jaemin’s words, in stark polarity with his overt actions.

 

/

 

“Why do you always try to kiss me?” Jeno asks, simultaneously afraid of the answer and desperate to know.

Jaemin grins in response, nonchalant as he breezes past the question like a spring wind, blowing him a kiss from where he is sitting several heartbeats away. Perhaps Jaemin knows how the ambiguity of his actions rattle him so. Perhaps Jaemin knows how Jeno only thinks of him, thinks of the way his charming smile radiates so brightly that even the sun would be envious.

Maybe it is true, maybe Jeno finds himself not wanting to hear the answers to his questions, not if they aren’t _because I want you, because I need you, because I love you_.

 

/

 

What transpires between them is a secret no one knows.

Jeno will rest his head on Jaemin’s shoulder, tension draining from his body like a whisper escaping from his lips. Jeno will breathe in, recognising the shampoo Jaemin uses, the one they share. Jeno will breathe out, feeling like there are words caught in his throat: declarations of how much he missed Jaemin during his hiatus, revelations of how much Jaemin has changed yet stayed the same, confessions of how his heart seems to almost beat out of his chest whenever Jaemin is near. Jeno will glance at Jaemin then, pausing, idling, willing for any excuse to stay here – just a little longer. Just to be with him.

And Jaemin will meet him halfway, and Jeno won’t back away – he abandoned his reckless heart in the safety of Jaemin’s hands long ago.

 

/

 

When Jeno thinks of Jaemin, he thinks of white: the light encompassing all that he can see.

When he thinks of Jaemin, he doesn’t stop to think of the _what if_ s, the _could have been_ s. Jaemin continues to walk steadily ahead, and Jeno steps forward to be beside him, hand in hand.

 

/

 

**Author's Note:**

> taking a break from exam studying to write these kinda fics bc i rly love playing around with word choice, syntax, and the like (and also, bc nomin). 
> 
> ([twitter](https://twitter.com/buttstrife) \- my ko-fi is linked on my twt; please consider supporting me through ko-fi if you can! comments/kudos/bookmarks are always highly appreciated! thank you♥)


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